December 9th, 2009
Warning: INSANELY LONG POST (well not really)
If you feel uncomfortable regarding posts on race, than please refrain from commenting. This post has nothing to do with Islam.
So, hopefully, many of you know that I'm in mostly in high level classes in my high school, right?
And do any of you remember the anxiety I felt when I was still taking Journalism during the beginning of this school year?
Well, in my English and U.S history classes (both Advanced Placement so.. work -ugh-), I am...
no, I'm NOT the only minority; if you look at it, it seems that the majority is actually the minority in these classes.
Instead, I'm the minority of the minorities.
1st period history, the bane of my existence, is where I'm the only representation of my race and religion. [Black, Muslim; Sure, I'm East African, but to everyone else I'm black( or African American) , so I will refer to myself as so]
However in 4th period English, there are two other muslims; one who's Indian and male (so you'd never know) and another who's Asian and female (she wears hijab too, so you'd assume we'd be best buds.)
Before I continue, I'd like to start with an Oprah quote (don't hate)
"Excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism"
I do my best. I do better than my best.
It's like this unconscious need to somehow 'prove' myself . That I am not some stereotype
(this need to dispel stereotypes is very annoying and stressful in my everyday life. I always have to 'second-guess' myself and see who I hang out with)
What I thought and still think to be a moment of subtle racism or at the very least (low expectations):
So, English is my strong point. I love it. I love writing, I can memorize vocabulary easily; so it's no surprise I get good grades on the tests. But every time we have a test, she always walks down my row so much more often than the other rows. After asking my brother -who had her- about it, he waved it away and said that she always goes down one row more often than others. So I brushed it aside. We switched seats monthly and when we took a quiz, it happened, AGAIN. I have an A average in this class, and if she presumes that I'm cheating; well that's hurtful and damaging to all of my efforts as a student in that class.
One can easily -knowing my brother's not so well score in that class- dismiss such paranoia and say that maybe I'm just like my brother.
Umm, that's still a bad; maybe even worse.
Assuming that a) I'm not good in English just because a sibling wasn't
b) That I'd resort to cheating so as not to become A
c) That with repeated high test scores, one would still fall to such low levels to sniff out a 'cheat'
And worse yet, there ARE students who cheat in that class. Many who cheat in ALL classes thanks to SIBLING. But how would the teacher know? She never goes down any other row after all.
Which brings me to the point of this post.
Projecting my fears of racism onto others; that maybe, I somehow distort the reality, claiming that I'm a victim.
I don't openly digress such issues of race with people; certainly not with people who I just know will not fully understand me.
And I don't 'prefer' the company of my own race; nor do I hang out exclusively with hijabis or muslims or somalis.
But whenever I raise a hand in class or maybe make some folly; I grow self-conscious (or a more positive 'self-aware') of the results of my actions, and people's changing viewpoints of me.
Now honestly, I don't give a sh-- what anyone thinks of me; but I need to find solace on whether it's just that I'm perceiving racism- or in actuality, there is some sort of preference or subtle racism going on.
Don't think I'm discussing racism from only white people; I'm a minority of minorities, I'm talking about I feel with no one to to at the very least, vent to- with the knowledge that they would completely comprehend my feeling seeing as how they are 'the same as me.'
At least in those two classes. The reason why I don't talk much with the other muslims in the English class is:
1) You'd never know the guy was muslim, people just think he's 'indian' (shows how intelligent they are), and we have nothing in common.
2) She is quiet. And I mean, EXTREMELY QUIET. I've known her since the 7th grade and I've made many attempts to have a decent conversation. We walk to the MSA meetings and sometimes have a talk or two, but really, I'm not keen on being the only one talking in a conversation. Plus, sometimes I forget she's even in the same class due to the silence [somehow I feel like a bad hijabi whenever I go up and act out a play we're reading] We've also been in the same class for two years. Shame.
I hang out with mostly Asians, I'm not ashamed of it.
But there are some bad apples who are extremely racist.
They hate mexicans (majority at our school, but still minorities in the advanced classes), completely closed off to other cultures and are insensitive to my beliefs and who I am.
I tell those people off all the time and refuse to acknowledge their presence when I'm with my own group of friends (a mix of Indian, Filipino, Vietnamese, e.t.c)
So again, this is partially me talking outloud and trying to figure out if I'm projecting my own fears onto certain people in my advanced classes and french class; or maybe I'll just be black-balled as the 'over-emotional' POC. Maybe I didn't reach a conclusion in this post, or a viable solution to my 'problem' which will only be regarded as such until a person of majority sees it as important; but it's still justified and it's still important to me.
This post has turned into a rant/digression, so excuse the lack of structure. And this post has nothing to do with Islam; I made a post partially concerning that
Leave me and my rant be.
Thank you for reading this insanely long post
www.stuffwhitepeopledo.blogspot.com (you'll probably feel confirmed that this was an anti-white post but it wasn't and it has nothing to do with that; but the blog linked above just makes me feel as if there are people out there who understand; even if no one's experience is quite the same.)